my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
