The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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