five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
