Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
