After last night, I could never be a politician.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize