Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He did a backflip because drugs
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