Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
