This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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