Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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