I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize