nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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