my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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