Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
