I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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