You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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