my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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