So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
