Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
