You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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