im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
