Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
