I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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