happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
