omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
