I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
