And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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