I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
