i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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