Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize