took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
