Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
