the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize