Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
