Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
