And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
