how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
