today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
