Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize