What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
