Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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