Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My penis needs a shock collar
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
