Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Randomize
