Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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