The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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