I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
