youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
