$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
