she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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