We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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