if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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