All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
