The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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