im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This toilet bowl is my home.
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