I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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