I think I am morally bankrupt
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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