I cannot find my penis.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
