Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
