You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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