Little spoons don't ask big questions
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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