Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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