dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize