I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
