in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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