So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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