Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
