You're my little dorito
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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