4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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