Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize