Do you still have your period?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
