I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize