Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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