i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
