I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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