We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
