Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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