Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
