It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
