my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
